After a brutal attack, is this the end of the wolverines?

 

Animal rights activists were in an uproar this weekend after a local news station broke the story that a group of wolverines were repeatedly kicked and beaten on Saturday night.  Apparently, a large group of helmeted men attacked the wolverines with brutal force, harassing and blocking the wolverines’ every attempt to escape the inevitable onslaught.  There was no hope for the timid and peaceful wolverines, whose desire to be left in peace was shattered after three straight hours of punting.  Bizarrely, it appears that a large group of onlookers had shown up to watch the assault, which animal activists have described as one of the worst attacks on a group of mammals in recent history.

It is unknown at this time exactly who these mysterious men were.  Local police are baffled as they search for clues behind the motivation for this assault.  Rover reporters interviewed police chief Wally Wizard for his take on this bizarre case.

“We are frankly rather shocked,” said Wally.  “We discovered 31 wolverines in critical condition, while it appears that none of the attackers were injured.  Who would do such a thing?”

DNA swabs and other forensic methods have so far turned up inconclusive, though a large amount of yellow paint and several flags were found thrown to the ground.

Though justifiably horrified by the assault, animal rights activists are also worried about the effects this defeat will have on the wolverine population in general.

“We are really worried that the wolverines might never come back,” says activist Hann Arbor. “When an animal goes through such a psychologically scarring process, sometimes they just need to leave with their tail between their legs.  Literally, of course.”

Will the police ever discover the culprits behind Saturday’s assault?  Perhaps not.  But for this Rover reporter, all that matters is that the wolverines know that we care about them.  No matter the circumstance, both wolverines and activists like Hann Arbor are always welcome at Notre Dame.

As Notre Dame Senior James Feeley so aptly put it, “When you have a relationship with mammals like we do here at Notre Dame, one night can’t change that.  All that matters is that you shake their paw and tell them that you care.”

 

Declan Feeley is a sophomore theology and finance double major whose interests include writing and investment theory.  Contact him at dfeeley@nd.edu.