Confronting the problem of divided resources for the mammals and birds of campus

 

In modern society, inequality abounds.  It seems like everyday there are more reports about the decline of the middle class, the increasing wage gap, and the lack of fair pay for women and minorities.  Yet, one issue continues to remain alarmingly unaddressed: Why are there so many fat squirrels at Notre Dame, yet so few well-fed swans?

I went out into the community to learn more about why people seem so eager to dismiss the plight of starving swans.  When asked about this issue, freshman Lily Lane responded, “Why should I help swans?  The reason they are starving is because they are so lazy.  If they really wanted to do well, they would get a job.”

This sentiment shocked me, but appeared to be a fairly widespread opinion.  When asked if he would ever feed hungry swans, James Johnson answered, “I would give them food if I had some, but I am afraid that they would misuse that food to buy swan drugs.”

Why then, I wondered, was the obvious abundance of the fat squirrels not a cause for concern?  After all, shouldn’t the squirrels share some of their food with the poor swans?  To answer this question, I turned to acclaimed ethicist Wally Wizard with this question.  The esteemed Wizard argued, “It would be unfair for fat squirrels to share their nuts with the swans.  After all, the squirrels were smart enough to save up nuts for the winter, while the swans foolishly squandered their summer frolicking in the lake.”

Yet I remained unconvinced.  I went on to ask Wizard about those squirrels whose parents had saved up extra nuts for them.  Wasn’t that unfair to the swans?  “Not at all,” Wizard responded, “Those squirrel parents spent their lives working on Tree Street trading nut futures.  Besides, you seem to be forgetting: Swans don’t even eat nuts.”

Fortunately, there are also those who recognize the plight of the swans and do their best to care them.  Dedicated groups of students will often journey to the lake to bring rice and bread to the hungry fowl.  Perhaps with the help of such caring Notre Dame students, the swans will soon be able to go back to their favorite pastime of scaring freshmen.

 

Declan Feeley is as sophomore theology and finance double major whose interests include writing and investment theory.  Declan can be contacted by email at dfeeley@nd.edu.